Costal Del Crazy
by UnchartedHeart
Summary: Reno, Tifa and their daughter Elly take one last trip before their daughter goes off to college...but as we all know, a trip wouldn't be a real trip without the strange old men and their coastal practices! For The Sacred and Profane, ReTi, M for lang.


A/n: The Sacred and Profane should kick me in the face because of how long it took me to get this out! Anywho….here it is!! Enjoy.

OH and within this story is a language from Hawaii called Pidgin (it's a type of slang combining Hawaiian and English ), which my friend Gabby helped me out with. She lives in Lanikai Beach, Hawaii and was more than excited to get the language exposed. So most of it is easy to understand, but if you have a problem, the translations are in parenthesis beside the word. And if you want to learn some more Pidgin, message me for her page, she'd be more than happy to teach haha!

Disclaimer: You Know This.

* * *

"Dad, let's go!" Elly called from the car as Reno lugged the last bit of the family's bags out to the car. They were all set to get on a plane and fly to Costa Del Sol for a family vacation, just before Elly was off to college in Wutai.

"Well…if someone wanted to help me carry this shit out to the car, they're more than welcome to help!" Reno called out as Elly and Tifa looked at each other and laughed. Tifa shook her head and got out of the car, grabbing the bulk of the luggage and tossing it in the back of the car. She then turned to Reno and wrapped her arms around his neck.

"Let's just have fun, okay? No arguing, no getting on to Elly about boys, no college talk…just fun. I don't want to think about anything this week, okay sweetie?" Tifa asked in a whisper, kissing her husband on the lips. He looked down at her and smirked. Everyone who knew the former fist fighter knew that she was on complete edge about her only daughter going off to college in a few weeks.

"Alright, I promise, babe. We'll have fun, and so will Elly, just like old times." He replied as he closed the truck and helped Tifa into the car before sauntering over to the driver seat, starting the car and speeding off towards the airport.

* * *

They got to the fresh beaches of Costa Del Sol about mid-afternoon, the three checking into the nicely decorated and over expensive Villa that Elly insisted they rent for the week. Reno caved in and let his little redheaded daughter have her way. Though, she wasn't little anymore. Little, small voiced Elly had grown into a giggly young woman, looking more like Tifa with each passing day…except for the crimson hair that she inherited from Reno that cascaded down her back.

"Wow, Elly, good choice!" Tifa exclaimed as she examined the bar/kitchen and the rooms that inhabited the Villa. It was just on the beach too, which was perfect. Maybe this would be a great family vacation after all.

"Yeah, good choice, not only is it nice, but it broke the bank!" Reno teased as he smirked at his daughter. She rolled her eyes and laughed. Reno and Tifa set up and unpacked in their room, while Elly did the same in the room next door to them. After they cleaned up and relaxed a little from their flight, Tifa suggested that they all hit the beach, just before sunset. Reno and Elly agreed, quickly changing into their swimming gear.

"Well…I said before sunset, but this is okay I guess…" Tifa grumbled as she laid her towel out in the sand and plopped down. Reno sighed and shrugged, placing his towel next to hers. It took them longer to get to the beach than she had hoped for.

"We wouldn't have had this problem, if someone didn't make me change 50 billion times!" Elly complained as she set her towel down next to her parents, sitting down the same way Tifa had. Reno rolled his eyes and waved his hand passively at his daughter before answering.

"It's not my fault you brought the most revealing bathing suits on the planet of Gaia, Elly dear." He mused.

"It was a bikini! Everyone my age wears them!"

"It showed your stomach."

"So? Mom, help me out here!" Elly whined, tossing sand at her father. Tifa laughed and shook her head.

"You can wear one tomorrow, Elly. Daddy will just have to remember that our daughter isn't little anymore, right?" the brunette replied, looking at Reno with a raised eyebrow. Reno threw his hands up defeat.

"Yeah, yeah…"

"Well, I'll just wear one now. I'm going down to the ocean, I'll be right back." Elly stated, standing up in front of her confused parents. They looked at each other and then looked back at Elly, who was now stripping herself of her one-piece suit Reno insisted that she wear, to a bikini that was on underneath. Reno's jaw dropped and his brows furrowed, about to yell at his daughters defiance, when the girl ran off towards the waves.

"C-Can you believe that!?" the Turk scoffed, pointing to Elly. Tifa broke into a fit of giggles before pulling him in for a kiss.

"Let her be, Reno. She's just like me in a sense, if you think about it. I would do something like that."

"Yeah…and remember when I hit on you at the bar…what if that happens to her!"

"Sweetie…you know one day she's going to fall in love and get married, just like us." Tifa reminded him, a sad look forming on her face.

"I know…it's just hard to believe that she's leaving us. It makes me a little sad." Reno admitted, looking off in the distance at his daughter splashing in the waves. Tifa looked down and little tears formed in her eyes at the thought. Reno turned his gaze from his daughter, to his wife, noticing her crying.

"Tifa, Tifa, babe, don't cry again." Reno consoled Tifa, pulling her into his arms as he cuddled her.

"I know…i-i-it's just…she's my baby, Reno…I don't want to lose her…"

"You won't lose her, we'll visit her all the time, and she'll come home. You gotta remember, honey, I have a chopper with my name on it at Shin-Ra. We can go whenever you like." With that, Tifa calmed her tears and finally smiled, looking at Elly as the sun set in the distance.

That next day, the family spent most of the morning sitting in at breakfast, discussing their plans for the week. They decided to lie out on the beach again for the day, taking in another day of relaxation, much to Tifa and Elly's enjoyment.

Setting out their towels on the beach, the family basked in the sunrays and talked about different things, all three avoiding the subject of Elly moving off to college. In a way, Elly was glad of it. If she had to see her father twitch and her mother cry one more time, she was going to lose it herself. She loved her parents, but she knew she was on the road to an independent part of her life.

"This is so much better than any pool in Edge." Elly sighed as she wiggled in her towel. Reno gave a grunt as an acknowledgement and Tifa snored away. The brunette had fallen asleep thirty minutes before and was oblivious to anything going on.

Just then, an elderly man with dark, tanned skin and a long white beard walked up towards the family, his eyes set on Reno as the redhead turned to see him coming. Reno smiled awkwardly and waved as a polite gesture.

"Ho Braddah! Howzit? Mi gat a question." (Hey man, how's it going? I have a question.) The man stated in a strange language that Reno had heard before. He blinked a few times and shook Tifa.

"Huh, What?" Tifa mumbled looking up to see the old man staring down at her with a toothy smile. She gasped loudly and jumped up, catching Elly's attention, who just glared at the strange man.

"Wat, you no speak da kine?" (What, you don't know the native language?) the man asked, giving Reno a weird look. Reno looked around at his family before looking at the man.

"Tifa…what's this guy saying?" he whispered to her harshly. She glanced at the man and smiled before leaning in to Reno.

"It's a type of slang they use in Costa. It's a language only spoken by the natives here." She informed him. Reno rolled his eyes.

"Do you know how to speak it?" Elly asked, joining in her parents conversation. Reno shook his head firmly.

"Of course not, I'm not from Costa Del Sol!"

"Ho Braddah, I bodda you? Jus' one question." (Hey man, am I bothering you? It's just one question) He spoke again. Reno sighed in frustration and slammed his hands on the sand.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU CRAZY OLD NUT!" Reno yelled at the elderly man, flashing daggers with his eyes in his direction. The old man narrowed his eyes, clearly upset about Reno's outburst. He picked up the stick he was walking with and pointed it just inches from Reno's face.

"Reno, be careful!" Tifa hissed. Elly gasped, fearing the man that was threatening her father. She wrapped her arm around Tifa's arm , clinging to her mother. Reno simply rolled his eyes.

"What are you going to do, old man, beat me with your cane? I'm a Turk, yo."

"Yo like beef? I no ord'nary Islander. I ken do sanguma!" (You have a problem? I am no ordinary Islander, I can do witchcraft.) he yelled back, startling the two woman. Reno stood up by this point and pushed the old man. Tifa and Elly quickly pulled him back.

"Daddy, stop it. I'm sorry, sir. We don't understand you…I'm sure you can do…whatever you said you can do, but just find someone else to help you, alright?" Elly told the man, biting her lip as she finished. The man raised an eyebrow and held out a hand towards Reno, finally putting his walking stick down.

"Mi name, Rosco." He stated, his hand still stretched out. Elly nudged Reno and he sighed, holding out his hand and shaking Rosco's hand curtly. He ignored the creepy smile that formed on the old man's lips.

"Tank yo. Mi fine someone else" (Thank you, I'll find someone else) Rosco stated, turning as he left the scene as quick as he had come. All three stood still, confused by what just happened. Reno shook his head and turned around, pulling his family in a hug.

"What do you guys say, how about we go freshen up and go to that aquarium Rude got us tickets for, huh?" Reno suggested, wanting to forget the old man and his strange language. Just then, Reno realized that he was hugging the air. He looked down to see his wife and daughter staring up at him with huge eyes.

"RENO! What happened!?" Tifa's squeaky voice uttered. Reno had to lean down to see them both, his eyes shifting right and left at his family. What happened?

"Daddy, it must have been that old man! Go get him!" Elly squealed. Reno nodded in a panic as he scooped them up and ran towards the old man, who was walking down the shore, with Tifa and Elly in his hands. Meanwhile they were tumbling about in Reno's hands while he was running.

"Hey, man, wait!" the redhead called out. Rosco turned around and smiled that same creepy smile at Reno and waved.

"Don't wave at me, you old fucker! Fix my family! You shrunk them!"

"Sweetie, don't say that! He won't fix us unless you're nice, you know!" Tifa yelled up at her husband. Reno growled as Rosco came to a sudden stop, crossing his arms.

"Fix them, please!" Reno begged, holding his hand out for the man to see. Elly was waving up at them, while Tifa was tapping her foot.

"Braddah, yo family." He gestured, pointing to the two girls. Reno nodded, understanding the 'familiy' part.

"Kisim dis." (Take this) Rosco held out a coconut to Reno. The Turk raised an eyebrow and laughed.

"Huh? You're giving me a coconut? I'm not hungry!" he complained, sighing in frustration. Tifa yelled for his attention, and he looked down.

"It might be magical! Take it!" she told him, Elly nodding enthusiastically beside her. Reno looked back up at the old man hesitantly.

"Lisin to yo famili, braddah." (Listen to your family, man)

Reno took the coconut and waved the man off, walking back towards the towels with tiny Tifa and Elly in one hand and the magical coconut in the other. He sat back down and stared at the coconut.

"Well don't just stand there, daddy! Give it to us! I don't wanna go to college a shorty!" Elly cried, starting to cry. Tifa, looking at her daughter, started to cry to.

"Don't use the 'C' word, Elly!" the brunette sniffed. Reno grabbed the coconut and cracked it open, sprinkling a little bit of the coconut milk on the two. Reno waited as they twitched for a second. He looked up to see Tifa at her regular height, but she wasn't Tifa anymore.

"Where's your paperwork, Reno?" Tseng, dressed in Tifa's outfit asked. Reno screamed in horror as he jumped back at the strange transformation. He looked over at Elly, who was now Barret Wallace. He immediately covered his eyes at the sight of Barret in a bikini.

"Whatcha problem, son! Don' make me kick your sorry ass, scrawny boy!" Elly snarled in a very deep voice. Tife looked at her daughter and her jaw dropped.

"You..you're…that AVALANCHE crony…" Tifa whispered, surprised by her own words. She knew Barret! Why was she saying this? She assumed it was Tseng talking. Elly on the other hand, was now throwing the coconut at Reno.

"Fix me, scrawny boy!" she yelled, inwardly feeling bad for yelling at her father. Just then, Reno felt a tingling sensation himself, before looking down to find himself with his Turk uniform, but he had grown breasts and his hair turned into the same auburn shade…as Aerith.

"Why are there no flowers?" he asked, wondering why his voice was higher in octave than usual. Tifa laughed and pointed at Reno, Elly following suit.

"Of all the people to turn in to!" he groaned in a girly voice.

"Wait…why didn't this fix us?" Tifa asked, looking around suspiciously. Rosco was nowhere to be found, only a piece of parchment remained, taped to the coconut's shell. Elly picked it up and flipped it over, reading its contents out loud to the other two. Tifa crossed her arms and Reno was skipping around them both.

"Hia yo tink yo jus' wen get a dirty lickin'. No. Mi tol yo, mi ken do sanguma. Wok as famili, wokim da kaikai!" (And here you just think you were going to get a beating. No. I told you, I can do witchraft. Work as a family, make food!) Elly read out in a confused tone. Reno and Tifa exchanged looks before the brunette swiped the paper from her now transformed daughter.

"I have no idea what this says. How about you, oh dear Aerith…" she asked, ignoring her urge to kiss Reno and handing him the piece of paper. Reno scratched his head and flipped the paper over.

"Hey look, it's a recipe!"

"Huh? Maybe we have to make it, and eat it…and it'll turn us back!" Tifa suggested, Elly crossed her arms and peered over her dad's shoulder to see what the fuss was about.

"Aw hell, look at that shit! No way are we ever gunna find green sea weed, acai berries and a live crab!" Elly yelled in Barret's voice, stomping her large boot in the sand. Reno grabbed her arm.

"Don't cuss, missy!" he exclaimed. Everyone was looking at the family by now, raising eyebrows and grabbing their kids out of the way. Reno flipped them his middle finger and turned back to a very appalled Tifa.

"What? They need to mind their own!" He stated.

"That was very unlike Aerith, Reno….anyway, let's just go find someone who can help us find this stuff, okay?" she insisted, grabbing both of their hands and dragging them along the beach, up to a nearby Tiki hut.

"Ho, howzit!" the man at the bar yelled out, smiling at the three. Reno growled in annoyance and Tifa stepped in.

"Do you speak eastern continent?" she asked with a strained voice. The worker smiled and nodded.

"Of course, sorry about that, what do you travelers need? A new bathing suit for man right there perhaps?" he asked, pointing to Elly who was still in a bikini, except it looked extremely tight due to her transforming into Barret.

"No no, we need to make some food, here's the recipe…and where can I buy flowers?" Reno jumped in, inwardly cursing himself. Why did he need flowers? He usually hated the plants.

The worker pointed to a nearby flower shop, while looking at the paper that Tifa had given him. Reno resisted Aerith's urge to go smell the flowers when the workers eye grew wide.

"You guys have been magicked!" he exclaimed. Tifa rolled her eyes.

"Obviously…that was my husband, and this was my daughter!" she stated matter-of-factly.

"Okay well, all you have to do is make this recipe and eat it. However, the spell you are under will cause you to keep changing every so often until you fix it. I'll give you the first ingredient." He replied, handing Reno a handful of acai berries and saluted at the group.

* * *

"Hmph, that was easy. Now…which one of us is goin under the water to get the damn seaweed?" Elly asked, raising her eyebrow. Tifa, looked over at Reno who had given up and was smelling the flowers in the shop not far away.

"I guess I'll g-" Tifa was cut off when she felt another tingling sensation. She looked at Elly who had already transformed back into her normal body. Where they back to normal? Maybe they didn't need to eat it after all…maybe Rosco felt sorry for them and changed them back! She looked down at herself, hugging her body.

"Meow." The sound of a cat got Tifa's attention. She looked down to see a cat, but none was around. She then turned and bumped into Reno.

"Meow?"

"Reno?"

"Purrrrr"

"What's wrong with my Turk?" a snooty accent drew Tifa away from her husband, to her daughter who now had the voice and personality of President Rufus. Oh no…they weren't even close to being back to normal.

"……" Tifa then tried to get words out of her mouth, but they wouldn't come out. It was as if some spell had been put on her….almost like she had taken Rude's personality.

"Clearly, we are not back to normal. Reno, go get that seaweed and bring it to me immediately. You, go get the other ingredient, what was it? Oh, a live crab. Hurry now…I'm bored." Elly stated, waving off both her mother and father. Tifa fought herself as she tried to stand ground, but something made her move…like she was obeying Elly like Rude would obey Rufus!

"Reno…MOVE!" Elly yelled. Reno just perked up and licked his daughter in the face before nuzzling her cheek.

Elly inwardly shivered, wondering why in the hell would her father do such a thing! The sooner they were back to normal…the better! She wanted to help them with the supplies, but her new outward personality wouldn't let her. Reno then got down on all floors and crawled to the shore, where waves tossed about in the ocean.

Tifa on the other hand was searching for crab. She pulled out rocks and peered in to see if she could find what she was looking for. Reno on the other hand was ducking underwater and coming back up with a huge clump of seaweed in his mouth. The brunette reminded herself not to kiss him after all this was over.

"Good Reno…now start mixing what we have together all ready, while we wait for Tifa to get back." Elly pointed at a large bowl that she had obtained from the worker at the Tiki hut. Reno mewed a few times before squishing up the seaweed and acai berries together.

Moments later, Tifa returned with a crab pinching her nose. She flung it off, tossing it right into the large bowl.

"….what now?" she asked. She really had a billion more questions, but her mind wouldn't let her voice them out loud. Elly circled Reno who had taken the liberty of lighting the bowl on fire, as well as its contents, cooking the material. The younger redhead peered into the bowl and scowled. There was a brown mush with the remains of a crab being stirred together. Tifa looked in as well and winced. Were they really going to have to eat this crap?

* * *

As soon as Reno finished stirring, he tossed the spoon at Tifa, who caught it, and started to lower his head to lick the substance, much like a cat would. Tifa and Elly watched in horror as the Turk lapped up a few bits of the 'soup'. Tifa cringed and followed suit, taking a spoonful and placing it to her lips. She gagged, but willed herself to swallow it. Elly shivered and took the last spoonful, groaning the entire time as she tried to get it down her throat as soon as possible.

Suddenly, all three felt a final tingling sensation crawling up their spine. Elly felt her mind clear out and she could act the way she wanted again. Reno found his ability to speak again and so did Tifa. They looked at each other, relieved. The old man, Rosco found them jumping into each other's arms in the distance and smiled. He turned to the Tiki worker and rapped on the table top, getting the man's attention.

"Ho braddah, howzit? Mi gat a question." Rosco stated. The man rolled his eyes and turned to another customer, ignoring the old man. Rosco shook his head and tapped his wooden stick.

"No braddah's oh sistah's lisin to a Da Kine who ken do sanguma."(No men or chicks, listen to a Native who can do witchcraft)

With those words being uttered, the worker turned into a fish, flopping on the floor of the Tiki Hut.

Meanwhile, Tifa, Reno and Elly spent the rest of the week laughing about the situation and deciding to learn the native tongue of Costa Del Sol. Reno made sure to pay extra attention when dealing with the natives, especially the elders.

* * *

"Okay, so you'll call me tonight when the plane lands. Your luggage should all be there, and Yuffie said she'd keep you for a few days until the campus will let you move into your Dorm. "Tifa stated, pulling her daughter into one last hug as tears rolled down her cheeks. Reno kept looking down, which mean that he was hiding a few tears himself. Elly bit her lip and walked up to him and pulled him into a hug.

"I love you daddy…and I'll always be your little girl. Always. You know…during fall break…we can still run around the back yard like we used to…remember? You were the monster and I was the Princess…we can still do that…" she said in a whisper, her voice choking up. Reno lost it at that point and tears fell down his cheeks. He smiled weakly at his daughter before kissing her on the forehead.

"I would love nothing more than to chase you around the back yard, Princess. Any day, any time…just tell me and I'll be there…for anything. I love you too."

Elly pulled him into one last hug before turning around and opening the taxi door. Both Reno and Tifa held hands as they watched their daughter start a new chapter in her life. Just then, Elly rolled down the window and shouted at them.

"Oh yeah, and daddy?"

"Yes, baby?"

"Congrats!" and with that the car sped off, leaving a confused Reno. He shrugged it off and turned to his wife, kissing her softly.

"So….I guess now that we have an empty nest…we can be like we were before…you know…those long, long, hot nights of se-"

"Umm, sweetie?" Tifa interrupted timidly. Reno stopped and looked down at her, his eyebrow raised. Tifa patted her stomach before looking back up at him.

"We won't have an empty nest for long…"

"Wait…another…ba…by…?"

"Is…is that okay?"

Reno scooped Tifa up in his arms and kissed her all over her face and stomach before grabbing her hands.

"I'm going to be a daddy of two amazing children…"

"Yes, you are…"

"Well...to celebrate…can we do the activity I was talking about earlier?"

"Maybe….." Tifa replied slyly, running off towards the house, with one happy Turk behind her.

* * *

A/N: whew this was a long one. My apologies…sorry about that. I hope the language thing didn't throw you off!!! Let me know how you like it!


End file.
